We asked readers to channel their inner Carolyn Hax and answer this question. Some of the best responses are below.
Dear Carolyn: I’m eight months pregnant, and my mother-in-law “Milly” is over the moon. This will be her first grandchild, and she’s SO excited to help us shop for baby gear. She loves giving gifts to the point that saying, “That’s such a kind idea, but no thank you,” can hurt her feelings. I know babies involve lots of stuff, but my husband and I are trying to keep it to the bare minimum because we’re moving a month after the baby arrives (fun times).
Milly is coming to visit soon to help us shop for baby gear. However, her generosity is so extreme I don’t know how I’ll keep my composure. Recently, we said we’ll need a car seat. She replied: “Well, you’ll need one for each of your cars, and one for your mama’s car, and one for my car, so let’s get four.” Four car seats!? We were thinking one, at least for starters. This is just one example of how eager she is to buy things for the baby, even if it’s way beyond what we think is useful.
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My husband is better than I am at telling his mom, “Thanks, but no,” and he’s been trying to do that. But Milly insists on talking to me about the baby gear — not because I care more about it, but because I’m the mom.
I like and love Milly. Outside of grandbaby-craziness, she’s gracious, kind and wise. I want to stay friends with her for my own sake, as well as for the family’s sake. But I feel so tense about this visit, and I’m afraid that tension will strain our relationship.
How can I calm down to say, “That’s so kind, but no thanks?” How can I convey that we value her tremendously, even if we don’t want or value all the stuff?
— Too Much
Too Much: You and I have the exact same mother-in-law to the point that I am cringe-laughing reading your letter. It’s so hard when the person doing something you dislike is an absolutely wonderful person in every other way. But you’re no less justified in your boundaries with her simply because she’s a lovely person, besides and including this overgenerosity.
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The thing that has been most helpful for me is knowing that she is allowed to feel however she wants to feel, and she is the only person responsible for those feelings. She might be hurt by being told, “Thanks, but no thanks.” That’s totally valid, but it’s not on you to pre-manage her emotional response to that information. If her reaction to you declining a gift is so huge that it impacts your relationship with her, there are issues (hers) that run way deeper than a car seat.
It’s also important that you and your husband are a united front on this. He’s better at the pushback, so team up to push back. She insists on talking to you, to which you can insist that this is a decision your husband needs to be a part of. “Thanks so much for this offer Milly! We have discussed it and we are comfortable with one car seat right now. We will let you know if and when that changes.” We, we, we.
My final piece of advice is to be proactive in how you involve her in baby prep. Would you feel comfortable having her pick a few things for the nursery? Shop for a baby blanket or stuffed animal? Is there anything left over from your husband’s childhood that you could ask her to give you for the new baby? Pick low stakes things that you’ll be able to brush off if they don’t look exactly how you might have envisioned. The more involved she is on your terms, the less involved she’ll need to be on hers. Congratulations and very best wishes on your new arrival!
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— LK Bennett
Too Much: If this relationship can’t survive, “I love you, and I know this is coming from a place of wanting what’s best for the baby, but I really need your support and understanding more than I need any more stuff,” then I’m not sure I agree with the assessment of Milly as “gracious” and “kind.” Given that her own son doesn’t seem to have any qualms about setting those boundaries, though, I get the feeling there’s someone else who trained you to believe that there’s no way to turn something down without that being seen as an unforgivable personal rejection.
If your mind keeps going to the worst case scenario any time you think about saying, “Thanks, but no,” despite your best efforts to take a deep breath and just let Milly work through whatever disappointment she feels, that might be something to explore with a therapist.
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Either way, you’re about to be the mom here. Learning to say “no” or “you heard Husband/Daddy” and leave it at that will be a valuable skill in the years ahead. Now seems like as good a time as any to practice.
Too Much: Instead of just telling her no all the time, give her concrete and specific ideas of how she can best help you. Think of ways you can redirect her enthusiasm instead of always trying to squash it.
Actually, I love how you answered your own question in the very last line! As soon as she gets there, both you and your hubby should sit down with Milly and say something along the lines of, “We love how excited you are about the baby. Right now, we’re feeling overwhelmed and stressed out about so many things, especially about having to move so soon after the baby’s born. We don’t want to have to pack and move more stuff than we already have. We also don’t want to hurt your feelings because you are much more valuable than all the stuff in the world. Here’s how you can help: Don’t buy anything right now; give us time to figure out what stuff we want first, then we’ll give you a list of things you can buy.”
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— PatsiM
Too Much: Accept the car seats. You will need one for each of your own cars. The grandparents will need car seats, too, if they do any babysitting that requires car rides. Switching around car seats is both labor intensive and potentially dangerous if they are installed incorrectly.
— Just Saying
Every week, we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s installment here. New questions are typically posted on Fridays, with a Monday deadline for submissions. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself and are edited for length and clarity.
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