"The musical growth rate of this band cannot even be charted. They're treading water in a sea of retarded sexuality and bad poetry."
-- excerpt from a review of Spinal Tap's album "Intravenous de Milo"
• Spinal Tap stuff is available at borders.com

You've seen Marty DeBergi's rockumentary, "This is Spinal Tap". You've bought the soundtrack and wished you had the technology to play it at "11". You saw the VH1 "Where Are They Now?" special. And yet you still want more. Much more.

Live Online is pleased to feature bassist Derek Smalls, one of the original members of Spinal Tap, England's loudest rock band. From the Swingin' London of the Sixties to the decadent head-banging L.A. scene of the Eighties, Derek's done and seen it all. He's on today for a no-holds-barred free-for-all about the ups and downs of his musical career, his critics, his feelings about the man who lensed the documentary about the band, and the circumstances leading up to the group's demise and subsequent reunion.

Following Tap's breakup, Smalls took over his father’s telephone sanitation service and later joined the popular Christian rock band Lambsblood (famous for mass baptisms in the slam pit). When Lambsblood next-to-headlined at a "Monsters of Jesus" concert in Orange County, CA, a chance meeting with St. Hubbins led to Smalls’ decision to, as he puts it, "throw in my lot with evil again."

You may send your questions for Derek Smalls in advance or anytime during the Live Online hour.

Washington, DC: Derek, I have to say that I dislike buying Spinal Tap albums on CD because I can't play them backwards to listen for hidden messages. Do you think technology will ever evolve to the point that we can listen to CDs backwards?

Derek Smalls: Your problem is that you probably are still using the red laser to play your CDs. With the blue laser, I play 'em backwards all the time. You'd be amazed!

Farmtucky VA: First I would like to thank washingtonpost.com for allowing me the honor to speak to someone of such high caliber.

I have been a fan for decades. I can still remember the first time I heard "Intravenus De Milo." I was in the local Waxi Maxi when the album came on. It touched me like no other music had. I almost lost my chew.

It was because of you that I picked up the bass guitar and started using massive amounts of hair products. I started my own band (Backwash) with a few other Tap friends and for the past 25 years we have rocked Farmtucky and the surounding counties to it's foundations. Pretty soon we are going to quit our auto jobs and go on tour all the way to Georgia!

Do you have any advice for our upcomming tour.

Thank you for changing my life,

Skeeter

Derek Smalls: Georgia is a long way, so I'd take plenty of videos on your bus. Or get your bus equipped with a new high-tech wireless Internet connection, and do like we do--watch Jennicam all night long!

Stonehenge (1/12th scale): Derek:

Who's riding on whose coattails today? Is the band touring to capitalize on the re-release of Marty DeBergi's movie and DVD, or is DeBergi once again trying to hitch on to your triumphant comeback tour?

Derek Smalls: That's like asking is the glass half open or half closed? Ask yourself this question: whose website is Marty answering questions on this morning? Nuff said.

Rockville, MD: Will Spinal Tap be touring anytime soon?

Derek Smalls: Not a proper tour. We are doing gigs in selected areas, we were at the House of Blues in LA, and we're considering whether to play back in Londontown some time in November. If you're a musician, we'll be playing at the NAMM show in Anaheim, California in mid-January. If you're not, we won't.

Gibson, NJ: Hey, what happened to you guys? In the "Break Like the Wind" tour you and Nigel had some of the coolest gear I've seen in awhile. Was this all custom stuff or can I too get a "Dollar Sign Double-Neck"? Also how did your Real-Estate venture turn out, and what about Nigel's "Travel for Animals"

Derek Smalls: Of course that was custom gear, that's why we lost so much bloody money on that tour. The dollar sign doubleneck is still in our storage locker, and it will soon be put up for auction on Ebay, so it may soon be yours! As for my investment strategy, it's been a disappointment ever since I bought a non-controlling interest in the Shrewsbury Shrews, an English football team which for some reason refuses to win. Travel for Animals has been consistently stymied by government officials with their heads up their asses--not their bums, mind you, their actual jackasses.

Athens, OH: As we all know, the relationship between a bassist and his drummer is a deep and important one. Of the numerous drummers with whom you have had the fortune to play, who stands out as the one you "clicked" with the best?

Derek Smalls: Actually, I had the most--as the Spaniards say--simportico with our drum machine! We tried using it on the early sessions for "Break Like the Wind", but, sad to say, there was a power surge in the rehearsal studio, and the damn thing died.

bethesda,MD: what happened to your last drummer?

Derek Smalls: Mick Fleetwood was the last drummer we played with (on VH1's The List), and he seems to be doing quite well, actually. Temperature and blood pressure are close to normal, though his hairline could use a bit of work.

jalna- maharashtra-431203: what is you'r city of birth
jalna

Derek Smalls: Nilford, a small community on the River Null, near Wolverhampton. Wretched place.

Rockville, MD: I understand you are a fan of the electric sitar. Will this indispensible instrument be featured on any upcoming Tap or solo Smalls albums?

Derek Smalls: Actually, it's Nigel who's the sitar maniac in the band, he can actually play the bloody thing. Or so he claims, if you've heard the instrument, you know it's hard to tell if somebody actually knows how to play it or is just doing finger exercises. He plays it on our live perfs of "Clam Caravan", since somebody nicked his clarinet.

Washington: Derek:

There are quite a lot of metal detectors here in Washington. Have you had any problems? Is this why we don't see you here more?

Derek Smalls: You know, that's one of those urbane legends that were started by the hatchet job so-called rockumentary. Actually, I'm almost never stopped at airports. That one time, my roadie laid out my stage kit for me to wear when we departed some city instead of my road gear. Simple as that. In the road gear, in case you're curious, the courgette is wrapped in terrycloth.

California, MD: Who were you saying "I love you" to in the "Flower People" video? My wife thinks it was her.

Derek Smalls: If you can tell me why a town in Maryland is called California, I'll tell you who I was saying that to.

Vienna, VA: My phone is filthy. What can I do?

Thanks in advance.

Ben

Derek Smalls: You know, now that people are carrying around those little cell phones, putting them in their purses or pockets, the germ problem on phone instruments is multiplying tremendously. When I helped out my late Dad in his phone cleaning business, we used an industrial strength spray that's used for cleaning the loos down in coal mines. Nothing survives that.

Wheaton, MD: According to his autobiography, Rolling Stones bass player Bill Wyman was the most, er, successful member of the band with the ladies.

Is this a common fact among the bass playing community, and is it true within the membership of Spinal Tap?

Not that it's any of my business.

Thanks.

Roger

Derek Smalls: You're right, it's not, and I am.

Washington, DC: David Bowie, I believe, was one of the first "personalities" to IPO himself -- allow fans/"serious" investors to buy shares of his future earnings. Even Martha Stewart got a billion dollars doing that. Can we expect a Spinal Tap or even a Derek Smalls IPO? And how can I get in on the initial offering?

Derek Smalls: Actually, due to some unwise business moves we made early in our career, we don't own the right to ourselves at this particular time. We do hope to be buying ourselves back with the proceeds of the new merchandise, so buy a lot of action figures and DVDs, and maybe you'll soon be able to own a piece of us!

North Andover, MA: Derek-

What about "Jazz Odyssey?" When will that "free-form-jazz-exploraton-for-festival-crowd ever be released? It's a masterpiece!

Derek Smalls: You know, to record Jazz Odyssey, I think, would be to imprison a bird that must fly free. My mates in the band think it would be a complete waste of time.

herndon, va: Derek: I've been a fan of yours ever since your earliest recordings, but feel that Marty didn't do you justice in his movie. Have there been any hard feelings?

Derek Smalls: Those are the only kinds of feelings there have been. Mr. Marty DiButcher, as I call him, obviously had an agenda in dealing with us. I know he had a day planner. So of course he doesn't use the footage of the numberless times that we did find the stage. In fact, when we were rooting about for extra stuff for the new DVD, all that footage--me getting out of the pod straightaway and stuff--had been, air quotes, mysteriously lost. It's just unbelievably sad.

Ottawa, KS: Cucumbers. Good or bad?

Derek Smalls: Common misperception. A cucumber would be a grotesque simulation of the appendage in question. Use a courgette, or, as you call 'em, a zucchini. If the skin surface is visible through the trouser fabric, you'll find it's much more realistic. Cucumbers tend to have warts, if you know what I mean.

Derby, Derbyshire, Great Britain: Is there a future for Saucy Jack?
-
Johnny Richards

Derek Smalls: Hello, mate. Paying by the minute, are you? Well, let me stretch back and take my time to answer. No seriously, David and I work on Saucy Jack a part of every day. Unfortunately, it's a very small part. We've got a good first ten minutes, but after that we're getting tripped up by the fact that we can't agree on who Jack the Ripper was. Our real problem is the lack of outside pressure to get the thing done. That just wears you down.

Clifton, NJ: Derek,

Can we expect Spinal Tap to make another visit to Springfield on the upcoming tour?

Perhaps you and Waylon could sanitize some phones in the off hours?

Derek Smalls: I think in the Simpsons universe we're still recovering from that bus crash.

queenstown, nz: I am not real familiar with the Rock n' Roll genre, but I know that you have got to be the most musically sensitive telephone sanitizer-bassist who has ever lived. While you seem remarkably keen and perceptive (an intellectual mixture between Robert Oppenheimer and J.S. Bach, really) the other band members are total morons.

I live a hum drum life away from the bright lights of the rock n' roll world. So please indulge my questions so that I might live vicariously through your Art:

You are a good looking guy; do you get lots of attention from the ladies?

Who is more of an imbecile, Nigel or David?

When cucumebers are not in season, what do you put in your trousers? I always imagined giant butternut squash!

I remain,

in awe of your subtle erudition and bass playing technique

Derek Smalls: Some of these questions I've already answered. Thanks for the kind words. I'd say Nigel is more, I wouldn't use your phrase, but I'd say he nourishes his confusion. David is more spiritual, so his dazedness at times is more a matter of his aura being out for repairs.

Gibson, NJ: Hey thanks for answering my first few questions. Here's another.
I bought DeBergi's original DVD with the 4 hours(?) of extra footage now he's "re-releasing" it with like 4 1/2 hours(?) of extra footage.
question 1: What gives?!
question 2: What's in the extra 1/2 hour?

Derek Smalls: Di Bergi has no control over the DVD releases, not over his own bodily functions if you ask me. There's a lot of new-old stuff on this release, including our appearance on your Joe Franklin Show.

Ashburn, VA: Hey Derek, Just want to give you props for being the 1st Bassist in Rock to really move around on stage - Before you, all those other guys kinda looked like 4 string potted plants up there - Now we got monsters like Stu Hamm, Victor Wooten. But you were 1st!

Derek Smalls: Well, thanks. David works so hard at singing, and Nigel at soloing, that they sometimes lose sight of the need to strut and dominate the stage. I've got plenty of time on my hands up there, so it fell to me.

EG, DC: Who is managing the Tap these days? Not David St. Hubbins's girlfriend again, I hope.

Derek Smalls: No, Jeanine is out of our hair, literally, she was making us shampoo with fresh herbs for a while there. David and she are separated, although she still brings him his meals, but we're now managed by a corporation headquatered in Curacao, for tax purposes.

Fairfax, VA: Derek, I collect all of Spinal tap's albums, but some of them are super hard to find. Where can I find an autographed black album? It's almost like they never existed. Bummer! Thanks.

Derek Smalls: The black album is being re-released on CD right about now, and you can autograph it yourself, if you like, or send it to us and wait forever to get it back.

Washington, DC: Could you elaborate on the bizarre gardening accident that claimed the life of one of Spinal Tap's earliest drummers?

Derek Smalls: I don't think you're going to like this. When you stumble on a clod of earth and tumble groin-first onto the business end of your trowel, it's a nasty business.

Alexandria, VA: Just wondering if you have had success maintaining psychic contact with any of the doomed drummers of the past? I heard that Tap had an ongoing contract with Sister Usetabeamister, the famous German channel with the unexplainable facial hair. Is she still on the payroll?

Derek Smalls: We basically had retained her just for tonsorial advice, not for channeling purposes. Maintaining bizarre facial hair, it turns out, is not as easy as it seems.

Takoma Park, MD: Dude, do you have a bass that has 11 strings?

Derek Smalls: A good idea, that, but not yet. My fattest bass has six strings, but I can't play the bloody thing.

Silver Spring, Maryland: Derek, it's such a honor to "speak" with you!
You are my idol! When I was a kid I switched from contra-piccolo to bass because of YOU, man. What advice would you give to all of us "Smallsters" who were inspired by you to pick up the bass, learn all your riffs note-for-note, try to make it as big rockstars, failed, were barely able to avoid divorce and the eternal hatred of their kids, and are now entering geezhood jamming in the basement with all their similarly pathetic friends? The fact that you are as old as you are and are still ROCKING OUT is an inspiration to us all!

- A Devotee of Your Bottom End, Jimmy Egypt

Derek Smalls: Well, I'm not really in a position to give you advice, since, a, I didn't avoid divorce, and b, you've got a better rock'n'roll name than I do. As for your kids, get them in that basement with you, and don't let them out until they learn to play!

DC: Do you have a girlfriend? Wife? Significant other?

Derek Smalls: Girlfriend, yes, what day is it? Wife, no, ex wife yes. Significant other what?

WDC 20007: Hey Derek! I caught your show at Lisner Auditorium during the Break Like the Wind tour -- GREAT show! But, no explanation was given as to why the drummer's leg was in a cast. What's up?

Derek Smalls: That was the late Rick Shrimpton, Mick's twin brother, and he had broken his leg running down the aisles of the Universal Amphitheater to get to the stage because he was two hours late for sound check. True story. Great lad, better off dead.

Artie Fufkin, Polymer Records, Washington: Recently, the guys from the band Metalica (sp?) came to Capitol Hill to testify before a Senate committee investigating the MP3 controversy.

Did you guys ever testify before Congress? I thought you might show up during the House Commerce Committee hearings looking into the Firestone tire problem-- didn't such an incident contribute to the unfortunate demise of one of your drummers? Are you involved in political issues at all (here or in the U.K.)?

washingtonpost.com: Note to readers: We here at washingtonpost.com have no way of verifying whether this individual is actually Artie Fufkin. Sorry.

Derek Smalls: I'm glad you asked that question. I think if ten years ago somebody had told you that in the year 2000 some hard rocker would wake up one morning, tell his band mates, no rehearsal today, I've got to put on a three piece suit and go testify before Parliament or Congress or something, you'd think it was a stupid joke. Lars has got it backwards. Give music to the people and the money will follow That's why we started Tapster.com, our website where we give away our latest song, "Back from the Dead". This way, we have no complaint about being ripped off. We're ripping ourselves off. That's the rock and roll way.

Gibson NJ: And can I raise a practical question at this point.... Will you be doing Stonehenge?

Derek Smalls: We will be doing Stonehenge on the Jay Leno show Oct 4. We did it at the House of Blues in LA, and the dwarf we hired to dance never made it to the stage. When we asked about it afterward, our stage manager said the dwarf was wearing a brown costume, he was sitting on a brown couch, and the little bastard couldn't be seen.

Somewhere, USA: Do you think you and the band will evolve a la Madonna and do music in other genres? What about a techno album?

Derek Smalls: Evolving like Madonna sounds like a science experiment. We do have a section of "Back From the Dead" which some critics say sounds like we're jumping on the Latino bandwagon, but actually it's based on the much older Ladino music. But, you know critics...

fairfax, va: Do you still envy yourself?

Derek Smalls: Yes. More than ever. I'm also jealous of myself on occasion.

Washington, DC: Derek, I love your work.

What attracted you to the bass guitar in the first place?

Rock on,
Mike

Derek Smalls: The fewness and fatness of the strings. Easier to manipulate, while still making gestures of power and /or lewdness with the off arm...

Smalltown, PA: Oh Revered One. I started a small town in Pennsylvania with other "Smallsters". In order to live here you must show devotion to D-r-k Sm-lls by playing all bass parts to Big Bottoms at once on the Town Bass. One point of intense theological debate is whether the 4th note on the middle bass part in the 15th bar is a C or a C#. We urgently seek clarification from you before a nasty holy war breaks out!

Thanks, -Reverend Smalley Smalls Bass Smalls

Derek Smalls: It's both. Yes, it's a paradoxical note, one of many I play.

Gaithersburg, Maryland: Dr. Smalls (PhD in Bassgodlyness): What made you start playing bass? I'm wondering because I want my 8 year old son to play bass, but he insists on timpani and I'd like to know how your parents foisted the bass on you! By the way, you are the LOUDEST bass player on the planet! We love you in Gaithersburg.

Derek Smalls: As I said, I picked it up because it looked bloody easy (and it is!). Tell your child that there are many more parts for bass than for timpani, so, it's a much more satisfying instrument to play, unless he wants to spend his life sitting backstage sipping lukewarm coffee.

Waco, Texas: Your Hamsblood work is the best of your career. Will you please stop slumming it with the devil?

Concerned for your sole in Texas

Derek Smalls: Lambsblood, not Hamsblood, Jesus F. Christ, get it right. It was a good time, playing Christian rock, but the curse of that kind of music is that you're condemned to play with straight drummers. where's the bloody groove in that?

Shakeyjane, CA: Do you realize your bass once started a small earthquake in Shakeyjane? I was once making out to Stonehenge and I turned it up to 11, and I swear the couch started shaking! How does it feel to be a geological force of nature?

Frank Fistolina

Derek Smalls: Just don't expect me to contribute to the support of the resulting child.

Alexandria, VA: Derek - Thanks for taking our questions! A fellow bassist myself, I count you along with Geezer Butler of Black Sabbath and Steve Harris of Iron Maiden as great influence on my playing.

My question: We've all heard a great deal about David and Nigel's early days with The Originals, The New Originals, The Thamesmen, etc. Can you talk a little about what your early days as a professional musician were like? Who were your influnces and where did you cut your teeth in the pre-Tap days?

Derek Smalls: I was with a band called Skaface, one of the very earliest of the two-tone bands in England. We happened onto Ska, and I personally loved playing it, because you never had to play on the "one", which gave you that extra beat to figure out what key the song was in, or where the one was.

Washington: Derek,
In the documentary either you or one of your bandmates, answering a question about Spinal Tap's fan base, said the band is very popular with doctors and surgeons. Still the case?

Derek Smalls: I think people who face death and disease on a daily basis have a fondness for the darkness that we explore, yes. Also, they can afford the ticket prices.

fairfax, va: Derek,

What's your favorite Spinal Tap album? The Gospel According to Spinal Tap? Shark Sandwich?

Derek Smalls: They're all my favorites, but Shark Sandwich is close to my heart, because I snuck into the mixing studio after the other lads left and turned up my bass part!

Alexandria, VA: What music-industry trade publications do you read?

Derek Smalls: I don't read the trade publications. They don't mention my band enough!

Boston, MA: Hi Derek,

What do you look like now? I'm assuming that that photo (above) is at least 15 years old. Do you still have a heavy metal look?

Thanks!

Derek Smalls: As you'd know if you saw us on Letterman or the List recently, I look pretty much the same, although there's some sparseness at the top of my head, where some little pluggies are about to go! But generally, when you find a great look, you stick to it!

Washington, DC: Where exactly is Bitch School and is it co-ed yet?

Derek Smalls: As far as I know, dog training schools are all coed.

Plano TX: Now that Frank Zappa is dead, do you lay claim to having the most luxuriant mustache in all of Rock&Roll?

Derek Smalls: Could be. I maintain a special diet to nourish all my follicles, heavy in the B vitamins, especially follicle acid.

washingtonpost.com: Thanks for joining us, Derek.

You and your bandmates have been criticized for your lyrics and your album cover art. These days, cultural critics are dogpiling on Eminem. Does Spinal Tap feel a kinship with The Real Slim Shady? Have you, Nigel or David called him to lend your support to his cause?

Derek Smalls: He didn't call us when we were getting slagged, why should we call him?

DC: Spinal Tap has been referred to as England's loudest band. I've seen Motorhead in concert, and they're pretty damn loud. Are you still claiming to be louder?

Derek Smalls: Rather than make idol claims, let me just site the following: when we played our finale, Big Bottom, at the House of Blues in LA recently, we were certified, on paper, as the loudest performance ever in that venue. Let's see what paper Lemmy's got!

Kathleen, Washington DC: Hi Derek
Big fan here. Was wondering why you never pursued your post-Tap dream to work with children? I thought maybe you'd enjoy being a seller of products, like Nigel, and perhaps work in a chapeau shop.
love your work.
cheers

Derek Smalls: I am working with children, part time, when we're not performing, I'm a substitute crossing guard at a primary school in California (for tax purposes!). I'm very good at it, and have been promised my badge and sash before the end of the year. Many of the kids recognize me, too, they say, "you're the guy who sits on the sidwalk but can't stop cars yet".

Fairfax: Howdy Derek.

I like your stage props - which special effects wizards do you use? Are you still using the pods?

Thanks!

Derek Smalls: When we "flew" onto stage in the Break Like the Wind tour, we used the Foy Bros from Las Vegas, the best fly people in show business. We don't use pods any more, we were a bit ahead of our time with that, but on the "Break" tour we did have giant eggs, and they worked very well. Obviously, the old saying is true, it's always easier to break an egg than get out of a pod. ROCK ON!!

washingtonpost.com: Our time's up. Thanks so much to Derek Smalls for being so generous with his time, and to all you Tap fans for tuning in today!

ncG1vNJzZmivp6x7uK3SoaCnn6Sku7G70q1lnKedZMSxedKrrWikmauysLrLoqWeZ2BlfK7B0qKaaKudlrmtv49yaHJmmKm6